It seems like every time I pick myself back up out of some hole, or another, I end up getting pushed right back in. When does it end?
Some things that may seem relatively minor, to most people, I suppose... but, to me, they all culminate in something truly unfathomable, and absolutely out of control. I am unable to cope, or maintain any semblance of sanity or composure. I can fake, when I'm around people, but when I'm alone (which is 90% of the time), I break down, I cry, and I beg God to just end me.
This is not just one incident or situation. This is the result of EVERYTHING in my life going to shit, all at once. This is all too much.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
And the Horse You Rode In On....
So, we've heard a bunch about Heather, in the past. I'm not here to insult, belittle, or chastise the woman. She'll never read this, so it won't matter if I do... but, still... I'm not going to, all the same.
For all the stupid crap that has happened, between her and I, I find it impossible to hate her. Even now, as she treats every conversation like her own special time to remind me that everything is my fault, in her opinion, and she doesn't believe herself to be abusive... I more pity her than anything else. I don't want to get into those discussions, with her... but I still find myself in these futile attempts to pep-talk her into getting the help she needs, in order to improve her own life. She never will, though. I don't know why I bother.
The truth is, I was only in love with her, for a short period of time. Maybe a whole year, give or take, at most. I didn't want to deal with her, for the most part. I stayed because I didn't want to abandon the girls. The entire marriage was more of a case of me providing her with a service, than an actual relationship. She certainly never reciprocated true and sincere feelings of romantic love. I think there may have been a brief time where she came close, but never really let go of herself.
Everyone knows the reasons why I sent her packing... so, I don't even need to bring that up. I am happier, this way, in so many ways. The loneliness sinks in, often, though. I'm really not one of those people that can handle being by myself, especially when I have two children to worry about. But, I now have the strength to put her completely out of my heart, and I have done so.
She is not coming back. Especially now that I'm about to get permanent sole custody of my girls. I can promise you all that nothing she does will make me fall for the apologies, or the promises that things will be different, ever again. Her words were hollow, every time... and it was never very long before she went back on those promises. Such is the nature of an abusive marriage. It doesn't matter what gender the abuser is, the story is always the same. They never care about anyone but themselves, everything is a control game, and it's only a matter of time before the abuse continues.
Don't get me wrong... I don't play the victim role. Yes, I was wronged, but like hell if I'm gonna sit around and give everyone the "poor me" routine. I don't ask for or accept sympathy or pity. All I ask of anyone is just to bear with me when I need to vent, help me when I can't stand up on my own, and enjoy my friendship when I'm happy. I have a lot to offer people. I know this, and so do many of you. I'm done short-changing myself, like I did, for 8 years. I've moved on, and I'm ready to be myself, again. I'm taking back the good portion of my identity that Heather stripped from me. It's mine, and I want it back.
Screw that marriage, and the horse it rode in on. I'm moving on and moving up. Time to upgrade.
For all the stupid crap that has happened, between her and I, I find it impossible to hate her. Even now, as she treats every conversation like her own special time to remind me that everything is my fault, in her opinion, and she doesn't believe herself to be abusive... I more pity her than anything else. I don't want to get into those discussions, with her... but I still find myself in these futile attempts to pep-talk her into getting the help she needs, in order to improve her own life. She never will, though. I don't know why I bother.
The truth is, I was only in love with her, for a short period of time. Maybe a whole year, give or take, at most. I didn't want to deal with her, for the most part. I stayed because I didn't want to abandon the girls. The entire marriage was more of a case of me providing her with a service, than an actual relationship. She certainly never reciprocated true and sincere feelings of romantic love. I think there may have been a brief time where she came close, but never really let go of herself.
Everyone knows the reasons why I sent her packing... so, I don't even need to bring that up. I am happier, this way, in so many ways. The loneliness sinks in, often, though. I'm really not one of those people that can handle being by myself, especially when I have two children to worry about. But, I now have the strength to put her completely out of my heart, and I have done so.
She is not coming back. Especially now that I'm about to get permanent sole custody of my girls. I can promise you all that nothing she does will make me fall for the apologies, or the promises that things will be different, ever again. Her words were hollow, every time... and it was never very long before she went back on those promises. Such is the nature of an abusive marriage. It doesn't matter what gender the abuser is, the story is always the same. They never care about anyone but themselves, everything is a control game, and it's only a matter of time before the abuse continues.
Don't get me wrong... I don't play the victim role. Yes, I was wronged, but like hell if I'm gonna sit around and give everyone the "poor me" routine. I don't ask for or accept sympathy or pity. All I ask of anyone is just to bear with me when I need to vent, help me when I can't stand up on my own, and enjoy my friendship when I'm happy. I have a lot to offer people. I know this, and so do many of you. I'm done short-changing myself, like I did, for 8 years. I've moved on, and I'm ready to be myself, again. I'm taking back the good portion of my identity that Heather stripped from me. It's mine, and I want it back.
Screw that marriage, and the horse it rode in on. I'm moving on and moving up. Time to upgrade.
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