What A Ride....

This whole last year has had it's ups and downs. I've been in and out of some of the most miserable situations I can imagine (besides the war, that is...). But it seems as though all that crap has merely laid the groundwork for better days.
I'm not exactly walking a primrose path, here. I'm far from out of the woods. But, my outlook on nearly everything has changed. It's so much easier for me to see the good side of things, and actually enjoy quiet time, alone.
Ok... so, everything didn't quite work out as I planned, and I went a little bonkers, for a bit. Whatever. What matters is that I have a pretty decent life, and a lot of good things to look forward to. Are there still some situations that make me a little sad? Sure there are. And, I'm coping.

The point is... I'm honestly going to be alright.

Here We Go, Again....

It always seems like right when things are getting good, something bad has to happen, and crush the entire thing. Life has multiple tons of bricks it likes to drop on me, whenever I start feeling happy, or even just plain old content. I don't know what I did, in a past life, to deserve all this... but I want it to stop, already.
I'm sick of feeling hurt and miserable... but it seems like that's the only state I can maintain for any length of time. It's not where I want to be. I've put forth so much effort to find myself in a good, healthy place, in life, where I can relax and just take life easy.
When I arrived, out here, I had a plan. Everything was falling into place, perfectly. My world was finally actually taking a turn for the better. Now... I feel like I'm living yet another nightmare. I'm in a strange, new place, where I don't know anyone, except for one really close friend, who I am inches away from falling in love with (if not already have... I don't know, right now). I had a prospect for a good job. I was getting ready to be enrolled in school, and continue my higher education.
Today. Right now. All of those things look to be fucked. And, now I'm stuck here. Not enough money to leave. No time to pack up and go. No plan for anywhere else. For the first time, in my entire life, I actually want to give up, lay down and die. Screw everything and everyone in my life. I don't want new people. I hardly even want the old people... or family.
I just wanted my happiness. Was that really too much to ask for?

Flawed... Yet Somehow Perfect....

I may not be the most pleasant person to be around... but I just spent the majority of my weekend with an amazing woman. That's gotta count for something.
Maybe it's not quite how part of me would have it... but the part that makes any damn sense, most of the time, says it's just fine, the way it is. And, right now.... that's the part I'm listening to, the most. The other part can have his say, in due time... maybe.

On Starting Over, and Other Such Awesomeness

Why didn't I think of this, before? It took me 11 months to figure out that I just needed to get the hell away from Colorado, and start my life over, somewhere new. Somewhere that doesn't have bad memories attached. Somewhere that there are people nearby, who actually care about me.
Well, I went ahead and did that. And, here I am. Of all the places I have ever considered settling down at, Missouri was not even on the list, until recently. I pondered it, weighed the good and bad, and decided to take the opportunity. So far, this place has shown me absolutely nothing that failed to impress me. I feel alive, unhindered, and mostly stress-free, for the first time in a long, long while.
Now, don't misunderstand... I had plenty of reasons for coming here. But, two of those reasons stand out, amongst the others. The potential job I've waiting on me is one. I never wanted to leave Active Duty military, to be honest... and the opportunity to put the uniform on, every day, is way too tempting to pass up. I will be much happier, once this is official.
The other one... well, let's just say that situation has the potential to turn out incredibly well, if only it would see the light of day. I hope it does, too. Not too soon, but soon. There is simply nothing more to it, than that... and we won't go into any detail, just yet.

So On, and So Forth....

Well, I've not done one of these, in a while.

I have met so few people, in my life that affect me the way you do. I've seen, through your guidance that the life I was making for myself, was a huge mistake. I've made so many positive, responsible choices.... but those few stupid decisions, were destroying me. You don't let me down on myself. You call me on my stupidity... you don't let me sulk.
So, I resolved to clean my act up. For myself, mind you. Not to impress you, no. Far from it..... but because it made me feel good. All of these things I have done away with... I won't miss them. I will, however, miss the way I feel about myself, right now.
I have a plan, in my life. It involves a great many things. I know what direction I want to go in, and I'm going to do it. I'm not going to falter... I'm not going to be distracted. I'm driven, I'm capable, and I'm determined.

Also.... I want you there, with me. That is all.

Enough is Enough!!!

I've seen this movie, before... and the Italian guy doesn't die first. In fact, he lives.

I am DONE being sad, depressed, and pathetic over everything that has happened, in the last two years. I have two amazing daughters that need their Daddy. I just met my little sister, for the first time. I have hobbies, aspirations, and one solid sense of determination. I have a valuable skillset that cannot be used by the National Guard.
So, why have I been like this? I'm not worthless. I'm not pathetic. I'm not truly alone. Why have I convinced myself that I am all of those things?
What's the difference between a king, and his horse? Instinct. I became the horse, and allowed my emotions to become the king, because I lost my instinct, somewhere along the way. Well, I'm tired of giving my emotions the ride through life. It's time for me to become the king.

I will do what the Army taught me to do, above all else.... I will adapt and overcome. I will not allow anyone or anything to rule my emotions, anymore. I will master myself. I will become more than I ever dreamed I could be.
This is my shining moment. I am no dog... I am the wolf. Top of the frickin food chain, I tell you. So, why have I been lying on my back, for everyone? Because I forgot what I am. I allowed fear and anguish to take over. I let the darkness consume me, because I made myself weak, by handing over control of my life to others.
No more. I'm tired of being taken for a ride. It's high time I took the wheel and stick into my own hands. The clutch is about to let out, boys and girls. Watch the tire smoke, and try to keep up... because when this burnout is over, I'm heading out at full speed.

Everything Falls Apart, Again

It seems like every time I pick myself back up out of some hole, or another, I end up getting pushed right back in. When does it end?

Some things that may seem relatively minor, to most people, I suppose... but, to me, they all culminate in something truly unfathomable, and absolutely out of control. I am unable to cope, or maintain any semblance of sanity or composure. I can fake, when I'm around people, but when I'm alone (which is 90% of the time), I break down, I cry, and I beg God to just end me.
This is not just one incident or situation. This is the result of EVERYTHING in my life going to shit, all at once. This is all too much.